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TortureMeToSleep
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Name: Van
Location: Grove City, Ohio, United States
Interests: screamo, emo, hardcore, grunge, alternative, metal, grunge, industrial, hating everything, trampolines, tattoos, poetry, morbidness, rain, headbanging, revenge, donuts, vandalism, cappuccinos, passion, quotes, guitar, drums, wasting life, crying, black nail polish, crows, nakedness, indifference, being let down, tube socks, long hair, love, concerts, skateboarding, painting, sketching, biting, piercings, photography, hearses, gore, opposing everyone, black eye-liner, hate, rocking, anti-social, holy jeans, ties, pirates, vampires, fishnet, chucks, bats, depression, avioding people, striving to be the one you hate.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message me
AIM:  silencemypassion
Yahoo:  silentmyscreaming
Member Since:
12/30/2005
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| Welcome to my poetry site. All of this is my own work. Critisize if you must. All comments are appreciated. Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoy yourself.
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| TORTURE ME TO SLEEP
A lost cause that never finds
Troubled dreams and faded lines
Forever drowning and cursed to be
Losing touch and touch to see
Tortured mind and hungered soul
Loss of love; burnt out coal
Tears of acid running dry
Reality fading as I cry
Hollow screams echo here
Smell of twisted dying fear
Smile of chaos; burning blood
Lies of misery; sound of mud
False hope and blinding pain
Courage hiding and bleeding rain
Sighs of passion and thirst of life
Blurry visions an angry knife
Imprisoned happiness locked up tight
Lost the key end of sight
Whispering voices; a trembling sound
Fading faces that cannot be found
Deceiving friends; Family of solitude
Creating a world of low altitude
Lingering worry and Deafening silence
Bounded hurt; Scars of violence
Brain of madness; feelings of war
Captured imagination becoming soar
Moving images captivating danger
Alluring time; reflecting a stranger
Cruel sincerity a broken sign
Fantasy legend; wisdom of mine
Painless markings; horrific disasters
Terrifying loyalty; heart broken masters
One last sound to end it all
With that noise all will fall
Beautiful gun; bullet so kind
Tragic end of my tortured mind
WELCOME TO HELL
Forsaken memories
Photographs
Makeup upon her broken face
Tears running down in a silent race
Damaged in despair, she can't take much more
Looking at the key that fell from the door
She can't stop crying, she all torn apart
Many bleeding wounds on her beating heart
Always running from her burning past
The forsaken memories that will not cease to last
Her last smile
Her last goodbye
The cuts on her hands, the bruises will tell
Her eyes are closed, the silent tears of hell
She can't stop crying
She can't keep denying
She can't stop screaming
She can't stop dreaming
Her half broken heart is bleeding
& not long until it's dead
In her bedroom a little suicide note
Just waiting to be read
She can't stand her pain
Sticks and stones may break her bones
But words can make her kill herself
WARPED AND TWISTED
Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many when's & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted
PRISON LIFE
Life is a prison
Oh God let me out
No one to listen
To hear when you shout
Climb the walls of insanity
Ride the waves of despair
If you fall it don't matter
There's no one to care
Used to wish for a window
To see birds, trees and sky
But you're better without one
Stops you aiming too high
Watching freedom is painful
For those locked away
Seeing joy, love and happiness
Another price that you pay
Strong is good, weak is bad
Be it false, be it true
Your mind makes the choice
& enforces it too
Cell walls built by society
With rules to adhere
If you breach the acceptable
You had better beware
Hide the pain, carry on
Routine is the key
Don't let on that you're not
What you're pretending to be
Lock it all up inside you
How badly that bodes
Look out for that one day
When it all just explodes
Leaving naught but a shell
Base functionality too
But killing all else
That was uniquely you
So how do you grow
With a time bomb inside
Or how to defuse it
Without destroying its ride
THE HIDDEN GIRL
Across the room they seem to see
A smiling girl who looks like me
With two huge dimples on each cheek
She laughs and talks, and always speaks
She's the girl they think would have it all
But inside her is where tears fall
Inside her mask is where I dwell
This broken girl she hides so well
I try to wipe her tears away
But they fall more each coming day
She tries to laugh when her heart breaks
But hurts with every smile she fakes
& inside her is where I dwell
The hidden girl she hides so well
The girl that no one ever sees
Behind a mask that looks like me
HIDDEN PAIN
I sit here alone
Crying silently inside
No one will ever know
All the tears I have cried
Behind a fake smile
My pain never shows
My love for you is hidden
No one ever knows
Why did you have to leave
Why did you have to end it
Because now my heart is broken
& there's no one here to mend it
I wish someone knew
I wish someone was here
My friends cant even see
I wish so much you cared
And now as I write this
I can feel my heart bleeding
All because of love
& because of you leaving
My friend tells me she likes you
She tells me of her love
But shell never know
I love you deeper than she does
So I sit here and watch
As my best friend and you hook up
I scream and cry my soul out
But no one even looks up
This pain is unbearable
I don't think I can take it
But no one knows I wish you loved me
So I sit here and I fake it
I remember the times
When we were still together
You told me that you loved me
And that you would forever
So I watch you with her
& no one ever sees
Outside I'm happy for you
Inside its killing me
I know from this hurt
Soon I will die
You wont even care
& my friends wont know why
So I use this poem
To let the real me show
& even if they read it
They still will never know
I put on a fake smile
My friends think I'm fine
No one will ever see
The pain that I hide
IM SORRY
Never really fitting in she still tries to smile
Crying tears and hiding secrets all the while
Behind her eyes they never could see the pain
They heard the rumors but not of her true vain
She tried to make friends and pretend she was fine
Though she looked ok they were missing every sign
Even when she smiled they could never see her eyes
Filling with tears and hiding all of her twisted lies
Under her dark baggy clothes they never could see
Where bruises lay & scars were never meant to be
Stains of tears and stains of blood covered her clothes
But still she made the lies hoping nobody knows
Every night when she went home she faced the pain
The only relief she could find was in her soul so stained
She came home to the mother & father that beat
Where she could do nothing but scream at her defeat
& every morning when she went out she heard laughter
Knowing that no one cared what would happen after
Each day she was pushed to the ground and hurt
Her face was broken & bruised with tears and dirt
A life of pain & a life of torment she had to live
Never was there any mercy or any help to give
Still they never noticed how each day she was worse
How her life was leading her closer to the grave & hearse
One day they never noticed how she didn't leave her room
They never had the faintest feeling that she met her doom
Her parents were screaming for her to not act this way
But still they never noticed the pain she faced each day
Finally they opened the door to reveal her dead
Laying there on the floor in a pool of crimson red
Her wrists were tattered & shredded from the pain
She died from the torture driving her insane
They looked upon the floor and they found a letter
Only two words and this would never make them better
Every pain in her life brought her to where she came to be
& the note covered in blood had her last words 'I'm Sorry'
HELLO OLD FRIEND
You don't remember me
But I remember you
The shadow of who I used to be
The person I thought I knew
Who I was and who I am
Are as different as black and white
This soul doesn't give a damn
I'm going down without a fight
Replace this pain with something real
& I bleed until I bleed no more
There are too many wounds that cannot heal
I'm going through this open door
I'm screaming so loud but you are gone
You said that happiness is real, but I beg to differ
I'll always know that you are wrong
As I press this blade to my wrist I may whisper
-Is happiness just a dream
This pain has always been here
Why can't you hear me when I scream
Suicide is something I will always hold dear-
Now I am an angel of death
The girl with the broken smile
I wander the night till I take my last breath
I long to be who I was as a child
This blade runs down my arm
I wonder if just once I will cut too deep
If the blood will trickle down my wrist till I bleed no more
Will someone finally hear me
Then I will at last be gone
My atone grey eyes empty
For once all will be right, not wrong
My soul finally set free
My note will be short, not more than a sentence
For my life was painful, so will be the end
The magical phrase will be echoed forever
Known by all, it shall be
Suicide is painless, it's only life that hurts
My soul is tranquil
& I bleed till I take this last breath
Now that I am gone
LONESOME
So there she sat
Alone & sad
Wishing for good times
Shed never had
She was crying for attention
But no one seemed to see
The bright and wonderful person
That she always longed to be
She was hated by many
& ignored by all
So no one even noticed
As she started to fall
Everything she loved
Began to fade away
And so she slipped into a depression
With nothing left to say
So then she started to think
That there was just no way out
& whatever hope she may have had
Turned into hateful doubt
No one seemed to love here
No one seemed to care
& in her mind no one would notice
If she was just no longer there
After school, when she went home
Her parents would scream and yell
All the words, the fights, the pain
Made her nothing but an empty shell
So then one day, shed had enough
And for her it was the end of the line
She just couldn't take the pain anymore
From living in a world so unkind
She just couldn't keep it up
These endless nights of pain
All her searches for understanding, for love
Always ending in vain.
Then there came the day
Where everyone wore black
All attending her funeral
Because they had all turned their back
But now she had her attention
For that which was so sad
The taking of her own life
Was all that she ever had
In order to be noticed
She had to do such crime
Ending whatever she could've had
Taken before her time
So now that you have read this
I hope that you'll agree
That all people have hearts and feelings
Needed to be treated equally
So please don't shun others
Pushing them aside
Ignoring their problems
Their pain that you hide
Cause then something like this happens
Just simply because
When she needed someone there for her
No one ever was
DEAR TEDDY
Teddy, I've been bad again
My Mommy told me so
I'm not quite sure what I did wrong
But I thought that you might know
When I woke up this morning
I knew that she was mad
Cause she was crying awful hard
And yelling at my dad
I tried my best to be real good
& do just what she said
I cleaned my room all by myself
I even made my bed
But I spilled milk on my good shirt
When she yelled at me to hurry
& I guess she didn't hear me
When I told her I was sorry
Because she hit me awful hard, you see
& called me funny names
& told me I was really bad
& I should be ashamed
When I said, I love you Mommy
I guess she didn't understand
Cause she yelled at me to shut my mouth
Or I'd get smacked again
So I came up here to talk to you
Please tell me what to do
'Cause I really love my Mommy
& I know she loves me too
& I don't think my Mommy means
To hit me quite so hard
I guess sometimes, grown ups forget
How really big they are
So Teddy, I wish you were real
& you weren't just a bear
Then you could help me find a way
To tell Mommies everywhere
So please try hard to understand
How sad it makes us feel
Cause the outside pain soon goes away
But the inside will never heal
& if we could make them listen
Maybe then they'd understand
So other children just like me
Wouldn't have to hurt again
But for now, I guess I'll hold you tight
& pretend the pain's not there
I know you'd never hurt me
So Goodnight, Teddy Bear
DEATH'S BRIDE
Her dress a glittering storm of white
Her veil a gossamer of frost
Where ever she treads a trail of death is left
As the lives of many are lost
Flowers wilt and die
At the touch of Her icy breath
Beasts run from her frigid touch
& few are seen to be left
She begins the walk down the aisle
The smile on her face a mere fade
As a malicious glint lies behind kind eyes
Truly, a macabre promenade
& at the end, an eager Autumn
Awaits his winter bride
But dose this foolish groom not know
That with death her heart shall reside
They exchange meaningless vows of marriage.
Vows of words that will be quickly dismissed
without a second thought
& then she places her fatal kiss
The golds and reds of Autumn are no more
As are the smells of ripe fruit in the air
in its stead lies a frozen world
As she prepares to enter death's lair
The joyful wedding bells ring no more
Instead a funeral march.
& all of nature mourns in despair
with the baleful song of a lark
The wedding cake turns to ash
In the mouths of the stunned guests
The celebratory champagne is now looked to
for the comfort of the distressed
She joyfully meets her rightful groom
Greeting him with an frosty kiss
But she knows not that when Spring arrives
Death will abandon her, careless of her bliss
& so throughout the year
She weeps from being denied
the ardor of her one true love
For truly, she is Death's Bride
A BOX OF NOTHING
A box of nothing
I hold close to me
It is where my emotions go
When I feel depressed and not free
Like I am stuck in a box
Emotion is no longer felt
& now when people hurt me
As if it has been dealt
I keep my box in a hidden place
Where no one can open it
& let my emotions go
I then would have a fit
Everyone should have a Box of Nothing
So no one can feel this pain
Or deal with these lies that grow within
So they can all enjoy dancing in the rain
Untouched by a single soul
Does my box remain
& helping me not consume myself in darkness
As for my emotions it contains
HIDDEN LOVE
Why is it that love
Never seeming to last
Plagues me in the present
Though you are in the past
No longer are we together
Though I am everyday at your side
& my remaining love for you
Which I am forced to hide
So I put on a smile
Just to hide the tears
They've built up inside me
Feeding on my fears
Fears of loosing you
& fears that you might know
About the feelings I have for you
That I refuse to show
So I am ever lonely
Lost within this night
That I have just given you up
I no longer have strength to fight
I know I can not have you
I need to just move on
But I fear my love will linger
Long after you're gone
CHESHIRE CAT'S LEMENT
-my old nickname-
In this so called wonderland
Were the weak can barley stand
I am the stripped one in disguise
& I can disappear before your eyes
I'll give you words of wisdom or a thought
Just make sure you don't get caught
But if you do don't fret my dear
For I will simply disappear
Leave behind a cheesy grin
Make another gift to sin
A cup of tea upon a tree
With a friend you'll never see
I'll swish my tail & leave you here
So learn to fight reality dear
But the cat always returns
With more scars and many burns
You'll be blinded until your heart
Becomes broken and falls apart
A girl named Alice will come along
& tell you that you're doing wrong
But do not listen my sweet darling
For the truth is rather startling
I'm the devil's favorite pet
But I can make you stop your fret
My big eyes contain a glint
That can be a demon's hint
So if the truth comes back my dear
Just remember there's much to fear
LORD PLEASE TAKE ME
Now I lay me down to sleep
Through my sleeve the blood will seep
Lord, let me die before I wake
I don't know how much more I can take
I think I'm cutting way too deep
Releasing pain that I cant keep
If I die, make no mistake
My knife and bloodstains I will take
Right up to God, I will not sleep
Until I know that I can keep
My knife, my blood, my pain, my hate
I pray to you God, I never wake
BROKEN INSIDE
I don't know what to do
Inside me is nothing but hate
I've tried to go back and change it
But it is far too late
Now I'm just an empty shell
With nothing left inside
I have no more feelings or thoughts
So there's nothing left to hide
Only anger & hate
Keep beating my weary heart
Even though those very things
Used to tear me completely apart
So what is this thats happened
What's taken away my soul
How could no one have seen
All the life that this stole
Did anyone really notice
Me slowly slipping away
Or was it that no one cared
& they were left nothing to say
So now I am without feeling
& I may as well just die
I have no more emotions
So how can I even cry
The sad truth finally comes
In among all this doubt
The real me exists no longer
For my light has finally gone out
MY MOST HATED LOVE
Sometimes I wish you were gone
because when I'm with you everything goes wrong
and other times I wish you would die
you have such a good knack for making me cry
and why is it that you I despise
can always make me fall for one of your lies
so why do I keep you here
when you have become the only thing I fear
why is it you I date
when it appears your the one I hate
I love you is what you said
just before you screwed with my head
over & over you tear me apart
what is it you want my broken heart
so now I am moving on
I want you to know I loved you but so long
LOST IN A SEA OF DOUBT
Forgotten promises
A thousand lies
That prowl restlessly
In my mind
Screaming thoughts
Dying dreams
Nothing really is
What it seems
I'm unheard
& crying out
No one cares
That I'm full of doubt
LOOK AT ME
Every time I see you, or when you talk to me
I silently pray that at last you will see
The wounds & breaks people brought upon my heart
The years of it being torn apart
Even when I tried not to care, or when I would try to ignore
Every day it would just seem to hurt more and more
But I don't think any of them really care
about my constant fear & eternal despair
Yet I seem to think about them every minute of every day
while I succeed at making you & everyone else think I'm perfectly okay
Always a smile, that seems so natural but that is yet so fake
hides away every sign of all the burning ache
And every time you are with me
My eyes pray that you would finally see
But due to your selfishness you never do
which makes every day so much harder to get through
But if you ever realize & ask
Will it be too late for me to take of my hiding mask
TEARS OF TRUTH
I have to cry my fears away
Wash away the hurts for today
Let them tumble, Let them roll
That rain that cools my heated soul
I have to cry to heal the pain
Because if I don't I'll go insane
The tears chase away my evil dreams
& turns out all my silent screams
I have to cry so I can hide
Decrease the fears I've amplified
Uproot my snakelike sins so twisted
To leave the fire dead; unlisted
I have to cry for me to live
Despite the horrors left to give
Destroying my agony I anticipate
For one more breath above my fate
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